=-(

I really wish that everyone would quit bashing me down. I used to have such a nice normal loving life full of happiness and fun. It feels like recently I've been forced to become a totally different person. I feel like I've been pushed around and smashed down and put away in a bottom drawer where no one will see me.

At work I can't talk, I can't socialize, not for lack of trying...I mean in training they said that we are not allowed to talk. Because of this I didn't talk, I didn't even look at anyone. Now we are sort of allowed to talk but I don't feel like I even remember how to talk. I wish i could bullshit around with everyone like they do at work but...I'm not gonna lie to people just so that they feel like I'm their friend. For about 2 hrs today at work I overheard people talking about how pretty to each other they were...I mean I don't care what they talk about but I've personally heard them talking shit to about one another. Why not leave it on the table so that they know about each other instead of lying? Hmm...maybe I should be less of a Kathy griffin and more like a Ellen...?

Damn it! No matter what I do I feel like I'm a retarded rhino in a china trap. Everything I have been trying to do has been getting me into trouble. My big ass mouth...I'm gonna stop talking to people all together...wtf...

I dunno I am working on Christmas now. Not my initial plan but because i took off work this weekend I have to make up time. It's horrible...well j/k it's not that bad because it's so slow. Plus tomorrow I will be able to leave early hopefully.

As i sit here watching bleach...i wonder if theres really an afterlife after all? What do u think? Id hate it if there was and I'd hate it if there wasn't. Why do I hate everything so much? Lack of freedom? Who fucking knows!? Not ME!