=-(

I really wish that everyone would quit bashing me down. I used to have such a nice normal loving life full of happiness and fun. It feels like recently I've been forced to become a totally different person. I feel like I've been pushed around and smashed down and put away in a bottom drawer where no one will see me.

At work I can't talk, I can't socialize, not for lack of trying...I mean in training they said that we are not allowed to talk. Because of this I didn't talk, I didn't even look at anyone. Now we are sort of allowed to talk but I don't feel like I even remember how to talk. I wish i could bullshit around with everyone like they do at work but...I'm not gonna lie to people just so that they feel like I'm their friend. For about 2 hrs today at work I overheard people talking about how pretty to each other they were...I mean I don't care what they talk about but I've personally heard them talking shit to about one another. Why not leave it on the table so that they know about each other instead of lying? Hmm...maybe I should be less of a Kathy griffin and more like a Ellen...?

Damn it! No matter what I do I feel like I'm a retarded rhino in a china trap. Everything I have been trying to do has been getting me into trouble. My big ass mouth...I'm gonna stop talking to people all together...wtf...

I dunno I am working on Christmas now. Not my initial plan but because i took off work this weekend I have to make up time. It's horrible...well j/k it's not that bad because it's so slow. Plus tomorrow I will be able to leave early hopefully.

As i sit here watching bleach...i wonder if theres really an afterlife after all? What do u think? Id hate it if there was and I'd hate it if there wasn't. Why do I hate everything so much? Lack of freedom? Who fucking knows!? Not ME!

Mr and Mrs Used to Be...

=-)
I really miss writing. I remember when i could go on for days and days just writing randomly about random things. =-(

Well on a brighter note Rihanna's new song Hard is pretty awesome. The video is awesome too! It looks like all futuristic and stuff! Love it...well the version that's all like hd or something. It looks so rich and full of color.

Back to the darkside! >=-)...so i feel like or rather it feels like it's not christmas....more like uh everyones birthday or something? Everyone is wandering around buying and buying and buying...on my way to work today at around 1:30 pm i saw Lousiana and it was BACKED UP!!! It looked crazy! But as i was on the phone with my sister she told me it's always like that for xmas season here in burque...

speaking of my sister (eliza) we went to the gym tonight...it was awesome...not because we worked out but because both of us got to get away from everything and were able to vent. Sometimes that's what people need to do. I might start doing dinner or lunch dates with my family. That seems to be the most logical thing to do right?

Other sister sara has a bad boyfriend. Again...well not like i've had the most awesome taste of men except for the present and hopefully future and only other boyfriend (ari *) but come on! I never dated someone that ...well i did....maybe she can learn from this and not date losers or potheads or...whatever else they are cough(drunks)

Okay well that wasn't so bad...felt kinda good to get a lil stuff off the chest n all right? Da!

I should be chased with pichforks and torches...

Wow…have you ever forgotten what a horrible, horrible, horrible person you are? I was reminded today and it hurt…it hurt a lot. The reason I am a little bitchy/mean sometimes is because I’m sick of getting hurt by the people who call me “friend”. So yes I do try to make myself care a little bit less than the other person in the relationship called “friend”. By being less emotionally invested I can pretty much guarantee myself the ability to not get hurt in a relationship. I have had a lot of success with my method. I just forgot that some people really don’t like or understand the reasons of me being the way that I am. So much for accepting people for who they are…as I do. Honestly, when someone finds a better way of doing things, and can show me proof that it works…and stays working because I’ve probably tried it before, I’ll do it their way. Until then I’m sorry if I’ve played role of “frenemy” in anyone’s life.